Restoration after Abortion
It’s normal to grieve a pregnancy loss, including the loss of a child by abortion. It can form a hole in one’s heart, a hole so deep that sometimes it seems nothing can fill the emptiness.
Since 1973, there have been more than 50 million abortions in the United States. While some women report relatively little trauma following abortion, for many, the experience is devastating, causing severe and long-lasting emotional, psychological and spiritual trauma.
Evidence of post-abortion syndrome (PAS) is increasingly attested to by psychologists, counselors and those involved in post-abortion ministry. We now know, for example, that women hurt by abortion may have some or many of the following symptoms:
· Low self-esteem
· Grief (mild to profound)
· Depression (sometimes to the point of suicidal thoughts and attempts)
· A sense of alienation from family and friends
· A feeling of being 'numb,' not able to feel joy from activities that used to be pleasurable
· Isolating self from others to avoid discussing the abortion experience with them
· Guilt and shame
· Difficulty concentrating
· Anger toward self, or the child's father, or others involved in the abortion decision
· Sleep disorders
· Abortion-related nightmares, flashbacks or even sounds of a baby crying
· Alcohol and drug problems, to dull the sorrow
· Desire for a 'replacement' baby
· Anniversary reactions of grief or depression on the date of the abortion or the baby's expected due date
· Problems bonding with her other children (being over-protective but emotionally distant)
· Fear that God will punish her, or is punishing her
Some, especially young girls, experience symptoms soon after the abortion. Counselors tell us, however, that it is more common for the symptoms to occur over the course of five to twelve years after the abortion before a woman seeks help.
Post Abortion Syndrome is largely ignored by the general public. Groups organized to protect the availability of abortion claim that abortion is no different from any other surgical procedure and that pro-life groups are fabricating the existence of post-abortion suffering. Consequently, many women think that their grief reactions are somehow abnormal and believe that there is nowhere to turn for help.
Many women who have walked a path of grief and hopelessness after abortion, usually alone, eventually begin to understand that they have a deep spiritual wound. But sadly, they also are likely to believe that they have committed 'the unforgivable sin' and fear God's anger.
Women who have had an abortion often have many questions, the answers to which are indispensable to beginning the healing journey. Can God ever forgive me? Can my child? Can I ever forgive myself? Will this horrible pain ever go away? Is healing possible?
The answer to all these questions is, of course, YES!
How to talk to someone who’s had an abortion
Kimberly’s Story One night my best friend in high school called me, totally in tears. I hadn’t seen her since we left for college. She told me she got pregnant her first semester at State and let her boyfriend talk her into an abortion. It was the baby’s due date the night she called. The boyfriend broke up with her months ago because she “wasn’t fun to be around anymore.” What could I say? I had no clue how to deal with this. Growing up we were both pro-life.
I thought I could calm her down by saying stuff like “Don’t worry. You did the right thing.” “What else could you do? It was the best choice.” I told her to try to get over it and think about her future. And I thought she was just being dramatic when she said she didn’t have a future anymore. But I found out that, a few days later, she tried to kill herself. I keep wishing I had said something that could have helped her instead of making her feel more alone.
Kimberly
Many people know someone personally who is suffering because of an abortion. If a friend confided in you tomorrow that she had an abortion, would you be able to respond in a way that brings her closer to healing?
There are ways to avoid the mistake Kimberly made. Ways that may help your friend be hopeful again about her future.
If this is the first time your friend has told you about her abortion, she may be afraid that you will be critical or that you will repeat to others what she tells you. She must know that you are a real friend who cares about her, and that you are not sitting in judgment of her.
Begin by listening to your friend. Let her pour out the whole story without interrupting her. You don’t have to understand every detail. It’s important that she lets go of some of the burden she’s been carrying and that she no longer feels alone.
· What happened at the clinic
· Rage and anger—at the boyfriend, her parents,
· The clinic personnel, God, herself
· Guilt, regret, depression, nightmares, using alcohol or drugs to try to forget, and even suicidal thoughts
· Unbearable grief
· Being alienated from her boyfriend, family and friends
· Feeling that she doesn’t deserve to be loved or forgiven
Assure her of your love and support
Much as you’d like to make all her suffering go away with the right words, her grief and loss won’t disappear after one conversation. Assure her of your friendship. Tell her you will be there for her and help her find healing.
Where help can be found
Ask your friend if she has ever heard about help for people struggling after abortion. There are safe places where trained people can help her overcome grief and loss, and give her hope. There are counselors, priests and ministers prepared to help, as well as support groups and retreats. Offer her LivingWell Medical Clinic’s phone number. If she is not a resident in Nevada County, contact LivingWell for a referral to the center nearest her.
Even a woman who doesn’t go to church or think of herself as religious can be afraid that God will never forgive her for having an abortion. She should know that God loves and forgives those who are sorrowful and repent. He wants to comfort them and give them his peace.
Encourage her to contact LivingWell for help. Remind her that God’s love and mercy is bigger than any sin.
Assure her again of your friendship. Promise to be there, not only today, but in the future. Thank her for having the trust to talk with you. It took courage. Her healing journey has begun.
If you see a friend struggling with sadness and emotional turmoil and you suspect that abortion might be the cause, would you know how to offer help without being obvious about your suspicion? A suggestion: At an appropriate time and place, you might say something like this:
“I talked with someone at LivingWell that gave me a new outlook on abortion. I never realized the awful pressures women face in making that decision or how, afterward, they suffer, grieve and feel alone. They have a program called HOPE Retreat where women struggling with emotional problems after abortion can get help.”
Observe her response. You may need to add:
"If you ever meet anyone who would like help after an abortion, just call LivingWell, someone there who knows just what she might be experiencing is there to help."
Thank you for being a friend to someone who may be suffering silently. We are here for you and yoru friend. Contact us for additional information or to register for our next HOPE Retreat.
